A mother’s love can be matched by no other.

If there is one thing that life has taught me… It is that you only get one mother.

You may meet and love and count others as such, but you only get the one.

I personally have counted only one other as My Second Mother, because that is exactly what she was to me. She filled the role with finesse as my own flesh and blood mother would have when I looked to her for the things every child does.

I’ve been thinking about how much my mother means to me and how thankful I am that I am able to spend so much of my life with her. I am so grateful that it scares me sometimes; I can’t begin to make the right words to express how emotional I am about my mother.

I’m not generally a person who shows her emotions or carries the heart on the sleeve. In the last two years so much has changed and so much has happened. In the last two years, no in the last year I have come to realize that my intentions and my future plans were wrong. I was heading down a path that was completely wrong for me and I’ve only come to see it now. I had blinders on and I couldn’t make myself find the buckle to remove them.

It has been almost one year since my mother was in the hospital and I almost lost her. I’ve never been more scared in my life. Reliving those moments now gets me teary eyed and generally upset. I’ve also never worked as hard for anything in my life as I did in those moments.

I had been asleep in my bed when the phone call came through and I didn’t hear it. I woke up about two hours later and checked the voicemail. Mom’s then boyfriend had called me to tell me she was in the ER and that he wanted me to know. Never in my life have I ever been more upset with myself than in that moment.

I immediately called him back and he couldn’t tell me anything about what was going on because they were still “running tests” to figure out why she was in so much pain and whatnot. Keep in mind, I know my mother may not be the lightest of folks but she’s damn sure not unhealthy and knows her body better than any damn doctor ever will. She told them she thought it might have been a blood clot and they did NOT believe her until they had run enough other tests that came back with nothing. They did a Doppler on her left leg and found just that: a clot. A big one that could easily have killed her had they not found it.

By the time I got there, she was pale, sore, swollen, and you could see the distress on her face clear as day. I was so angry and relieved in that moment. I was angry that it took the staff so long to actually LISTEN to their patient. To this day I will never understand why the staff there were so rude, unresponsive, and just plain unacceptable. If I had grounds for a court case, I would have one and I would have won. Period.

I think two people were kind and gentle with us. Two. Out of the eight people we worked with, the night shift head nurse who drew blood as well as checked vitals and one other nurse who constantly was there to help me and listen to what we needed. The doctor who talked to us on December 31st was a very good person for helping us. But I only saw him once. He wrote mom prescriptions and told me to run and get them filled at walgreens just down the road a few blocks before Mom’s insurance changed with the new year. He saw how tired and beaten up I was and how Mom was and took pity. He said, “Take these, go to Walgreens right now and get them filled. I will make sure the nurses keep close watch on your mom while you are gone, it should only take you about twenty to thirty minutes or less. Go now so you don’t get stuck trying to get them tomorrow. Your mom will be fine until you get back. Go. And get a drink for yourself, you’re too tired. Be careful.”

My best friend Eura was with me the first two almost three days. We stayed awake for two entire days. I brought her home when I made a super speedy trip to get clothes for me and my mom the one time I came back home when forced to do so. I was awake for 56 hours straight with no rest, caffeine and hope being the only things keeping me going.

It was serious touch and go the entire time I was with her in the hospital, then even more so when we finally came home. I left my job because I couldn’t lose my mother. I was NOT going to leave her in the hospital. I could get another job. They had enough people to cover my shifts, they just didn’t want to deal with me not being there.

The point I had in mind when I began to write this entry was that I am grateful, thankful for my mother. I cannot imagine what this world would be like without her in it.

I will write another entry in honor of my grandmother, who has been there for me like no other.

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To love is to be vulnerable. – CS Lewis

I have been missing something and I am still unaware, er, unable to come to terms with it fully. I have been desperately trying to deal with my emotions as of late.

I don’t know how many of you know but I have always battled with depression, anxiety, and self worth problems.

Recently, I’ve had a big BIG change in my life, followed by another change, which resulted in a rather unexpected change.

Let me explain… And please bear with me and don’t send your judgements in my direction I have enough to deal with, I do NOT need negativity.

I spent 4+ years with my last partner, and it was a bumpy ride but it made us happy 85% of the time and not as happy the other 15%. I lived with that partner for about a year and we endured several ups and downs which seemed like more error than trial.

After a few months of co-habitating, things changed somehow and everything was different for us. We weren’t as happy as I believe we should have been or could have been. Even after things changed and turned out to be a little better, we weren’t the same.

I don’t know how to explain it.

We weren’t in a good place anymore. Correction: I wasn’t in a good place anymore. I had attempted to express my unhappiness more than once but it seemed like my words weren’t making it through to anyone, to the one person that really needed to hear them.

And eventually I decided that I needed a change, I needed and deserved to be happy.

I took my opportunity and made an executive decision which, looking back, I could have gone about it differently. I know now that if I had gone about it any differently then I would not have had the inner strength to do what needed to be done.

I have a soft spot for that person and for the person they were long ago. I have next to no will power of my own when that person is involved because I still love them very much and I’m hurt very deeply by the everything that has happened as of late. I’m still very much trying to process everything on my own but I’m also not pausing my life or myself in order to move forward and be happy, to become a happier person.

After I made this big decision and implemented it… I made another decision and moved forward with it, not looking for anything in particular to happen. And then something great happened and BAM, happiness happened.

A short while later more happiness happened.

And now I’m reminiscing about everything that happened before that decision was made and how I feel about myself in general.

I’m slightly overwhelmed and I’m panicking a little about how I feel about everything.

I admit that I miss things. I miss alot of things. And that makes me sad at times. I miss how things used to be. I miss how everything used to be when things were good between us. I just wish things had turned out differently for us. I wish things could have been better, and I wish that… I wish for so many things.

I’m….

I’m happy. For the first time in a long while I am happy and things are progressing.

I wish I could figure out a way to put things into better perspective so I could write about them easier and in a way that others could understand more easily.

It’s way too soon for me to do that and I thought that I could. I cannot. I’m sorry.

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Short and complicated.

So I’ll admit… I had a few really low moments the morning before last at like 5:30 in the morning.

The kind of moment where nostalgia hits then you yawn a bit and realize just how depressed and slightly downtrodden you really are. The kind of moment where you’re just awake enough for your brain, heart, and eyes to betray you long enough to make your chest ache and keep you awake and slightly miserable.

Times like these that comforting nostalgia only comforts when you’re the only one awake.

Times like these when you ache so much for something and you don’t quite know what it is.

It’s times like these when you wonder why the heck you’re awake at five in the morning.

I typed all that at 5:30ish in the morning with one eye open, listening to the dog snore quietly behind my knees and the rain gently tap against the windows. I don’t know why I was awake that early or why I couldn’t go back to sleep but I do know that my emotions were a bit all over the place and I couldn’t settle.

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Stream of consciousness tonight…

I know  I am not perfect. Never, have I ever, claimed to be so. I have never claimed that I have never made mistakes. Never have I said that I have no regrets.

I make, will make, have made, and will more than likely continue to make mistakes. Big ones, small ones, life-altering ones too.

I have always been told, and have learned it for myself, that mistakes are what make us human. And with that being said, I have made a few hundred thousand mistakes in my short, fun-filled 22 (almost 23) years of life. I’ve almost gotten married a few times, I’ve lost some very important family members and friends to medical problems, I’ve had a few hundred medical problems myself, and I’ve had a few relationships that taught me a lot about myself.

I’m still learning about myself as a person and someone very close to me pointed out to me not too long ago that I’m repeating a few of the same mistakes. I agree. But I’m not the same person I was when I made those mistakes the first time, or even the second time. The first time was given because I was very young and terrified. I had NO IDEA what I wanted from life but I knew at that point that I could not handle what was put in front of me and I ran. I was an idiot. I was an idiot but it taught me about myself and created a lasting bond.

Second time I was pushed away. I did not run from that one and I will never let anyone tell me otherwise. I know exactly what happened in that relationship and its not my fault, not totally. Again I was a bit young and was thinking a little too far ahead of what I thought was best for me at that time. I had a very solid five year and five year plus plan for myself and it was more than the other party could handle at that time. We have since become friendly with each other and no grudges have been held.

I learned early on in my life what I wanted, and about when I wanted it in my life. I had dreams and goals and an idea of how I could and would get there. I’ve thought that I have been steadily moving up toward that goal. Maybe yes, maybe no; I’m not so sure anymore but I’m not sitting still.

I want children, and marriage (traditional or not, I honestly don’t care) and a home to call my own, and my car to be safer for me to be in….

And most of all…. I want a big family. A giant network of people spread around the world (not literally) that love and communicate with each other all the time, everyday.

I want to be more… open. I want to hug more, to smile more, to laugh more, to SHARE more. I love making people happy. It is just something that I do. But it is past time that I think of myself. I want to be happy.

I recently made a crazy big decision and no one seems to really truly understand it. I take that back – a small handful of people in my network of love understand and encourage me. Support me, even. And for that I am grateful. I may not make the best decisions, or sometimes even the right ones, but I always do what my heart says I should (after careful deliberation) and I go with it. If it seems out of character, I want to apologize but I no longer feel the need to apologize for myself. Not anymore.

I know that I am foolish. No one has to tell me that. I know that I am stupid at times and that I make rash decisions too quickly sometimes. I do not care. I also know that I am not happy and I should be.

It has been too long since I have put my needs above others around me. I deserve to be selfish for a bit.

Can I not be selfish?

I don’t understand.

(Afterthought: I guess it’s just not enough.)

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Lackluster Passion

In my life there are a great many things I am passionate about. I’ve listed a few of those things here.

1. My photography.

I may still be an amateur photographer and have a lifetime of learning to go but this simple hobby is my passion and I will never give it up.

2. Mi Familia: My Family

My family is a very wide and extensive amount of folks who mean the world to me. My mother, my grandmother, various aunts, uncles, and cousins; these are all blood kin and are who have my back in the end even if not in the beginning.

Family isn’t always flesh and blood kin to one another, they are Chosen Family. Oftentimes this type of family is the best kind and can take the place of blood kin on occasion. I can count on one hand how many people I have chosen as true family (a few people may be hurt by this statement but there are layers to every family, not just mine. Don’t get your panties in a twist.)

Christopher Campbell is the very best man I have ever known in my whole life and knows me and my heart better than anyone else in this world ever will. He calls me out on my sh*t and gives me the lecture(s) I need to get my butt in gear. He tells me, without malice, exactly how much I have messed up in any situation and then tells me EXACTLY how he feels. I don’t know if he realizes this or not but he’s saved me more than I can ever say. And in more than one way as well.

Recently I’ve made some decisions that aren’t ideal and are messy, muddy, might seem complicated, and are down right wrong at the low points and are stupid but the thing is… I made those decisions. I made these decisions and I have owned them. They have not owned me. I am finally beginning to be the adult I want to see in myself. Why? I lost myself and have recently begun to recapture who I used to be and have a better idea of who I want myself to become. Yes, I jacked up my decision process and made some bad calls, bad choices, and I realized what I was doing after my brother (Christopher) gave me the talking-to I desperately needed. Right now, he believes I have done the unthinkable and he’s right. I’ve messed up big time. I make no excuses for myself. I take responsibility for the outcome of my decisions with no regrets.

I have a track record of hurting people and running away when I think I’m losing myself. I know this. I’ve previously made decisions based on this but I am not the same person I was when I made those decisions. My mind was clouded. I’m not saying my mind isn’t clouded now, but I am better than the person I used to be. I am not making these current decisions based on fear, anxiety, or pride. I’m also not going to defend myself or my decisions anymore. People are going to think what they want despite what the truth may be. These decisions are my own and I will not allow others to influence or cloud my judgement any longer.

My brother CJ is angry with me right now and does not support me but he did put me in square back into my place and I appreciate him for that. I love him even though he more than likely hates me now. At least he cared enough to put me back where I needed to be mentally before he cut all ties with me. That’s more than I thought I deserved and I’ll never forgive myself for the damage I’ve done to our friendship over the course of our lives.

3.. Being True To Yourself

I’ll be honest here. I’m never completely open with anyone. I’m changing this, one conversation at a time. I’m doing this so that I’m not suppressing myself for anyone else’s happiness or comfort. I’m taking back what I lost.

4. Passion.

Yes, I am passionate about passion. A conundrum isn’t it?

Passion is the essential spice of life in my opinion. If you don’t feel passionate about something in your life, something is definitely wrong and needs to be changed.

I am doing what I think is right, after careful debate and that lecture I know I deserved. I don’t expect everyone or even anyone to accept what I have going on. I am going to find myself again, regain my passion for everything in life, and I will never let anyone or anything get in the way of that again.  I know not everyone will understand what I’m feeling or how I am going about changing things but let’s face it… Sh*t happens.

I will no longer apologize for myself, my thoughts, or my decisions.

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Self improvement. Yeah, that stuff.

I’ve been on a journey of self improvement for a long time now, this much is certain.

I’ve been unhappy for a long while and have been trying to “fix” myself. I thought that maybe if I was better, everything else would get better with time. As it turns out, I wasn’t the problem. Correction: I wasn’t the core of the problem at hand. Let me explain….

I was unhappy. It was plain to see on my face, even with my guard up and my smile plastered on strong. I had moments of happiness that masked the truth rather well but the simple truth is that I wasn’t happy. My happiness had been long gone before anyone could stop it.

Last July I got a job at Murphy’s Fuel Station in Roanoke and that was a really good start for me, even if no one thought so at that time. (I was a bit skeptical at the time, too.) And as a result of being a good employee, I got the night shifts more often than not and decided it was better for everyone involved that I move in with Joey. On a good night I would come home anywhere from 12:30 AM to 1:00 AM but on a bad night it would be closer to 2:00 AM or later, especially when I went to Rocky’s with the boys or to pick up Eura (hi bestie) and have Early morning Huddle House “Learn to Poor” moments.

I left Murphy’s due to circumstances and reasons surrounding muddy waters around my mother’s health at the beginning of the year. I was very up in the air about what I was going to do and relied heavily upon others at the time to help me stay steady on my feet. That was what I needed at that time and I did what I thought needed to be done.

I took care of my mother for about a month. Speeding like a demon to get to her in the ER/Hospital in Anniston that first night and staying awake for over 52 hours to care for her… Staying with her at a friends house to make sure nothing else would happen and that she was cared for properly and monitored the way she needed to be… Then making sure we made it back home to Roanoke without incident and attempting to return to work at least once a week from then on. I left Murphy’s shortly after Mom went into the hospital and decided I was better off taking care of my family and myself.

My grandmother is like Wonder Woman and seems invincible but she can’t care for others as well as she used to and that’s why I take so much time out of my life to help her.  I love her immensely and do whatever it takes to care for her and my grandfather. We may not always get along with each other but we are family and that’s all that counts.

I spent the better part of the next few months (January through April) caring for Mama and made a very much needed trip to South Carolina to visit with my brother CJ and his fiance Rachel. (Love you guys SOOO much!) We ended up staying longer than expected, caught up on some things we really needed to with each other and made a wedding happen within two weeks for friends who lived up there as well. It was marvelous and wonderful ad cathartic all at the same time. I miss my brother and new sister very much and wish our schedules were more suited to chatting with each other more often.

Joey and I were reasonably happy… As happy as any couple could be with only one of us having a job, then neither of us having a job, then him having a job and me going back and forth between my grandmothers and his house AND work every week.

The thing is… I wasn’t happy. I was frustrated and tired… And nothing was how it used to be. Our relationship had matured but it was different. It was cooling off instead of heating up. This did not make me happy and I know Joey seemed happy but he wouldn’t talk to me about how he felt.

I recently took things into perspective and evaluated the relationship. I wasn’t happy and things were not improving where they needed to be.

I did not have anymore of myself to put into a relationship that was more destructive than constructive. I felt like I was being dragged down rather than lifted up. I was losing myself and I felt helpless to stop it. I had lost my mojo, my gumption, and my get-up-and-go had left me in the dust long ago. I had lost my love for life and my appetite for… anything really.

I wasn’t myself and I hated that. I had lost who I was somewhere along the way and I was done. I’d had enough. It was time to regain myself and become me again.

Yes, it’s hard. Life is not an easy mistress to appease.

I have taken my life back into my own two hands. I am going to make the decisions I feel like need to be made to take back my happiness again. Just the other day I said to myself and to two friends who are very close to me…

“Today, I will be strong. I can be fragile tomorrow or some other day. But today… Today I will be strong.”

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That there update.

Ok so I have no idea when the last update was so here’s a summary of whats going on…

  • Got a new job, love it.
    • Forestree Network Services, Secretary
  • Paying off South University so I can get my transcripts released if I ever decide to go back to college (again!).

And here’s the big and heavy news…

I moved out.

I wasn’t happy, and couldn’t foresee regaining that happiness with the way things were moving. Simple as that.

I had been unhappy for a long time and thought that maybe I could “fix” myself and the relationship would be better. I was wrong.

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