Just one bloom of my grandmother’s Pink rose.
Oh joyful day! Love all the mothers!
You created me,
You loved me and you hated me,
And yet you still carried me.
I squeezed your bladder,
I stretched myself
Inside your skin.
You sang to me,
You read to me,
And I drained your energy.
You’re the best,
Even with no rest,
And I’ll always be your favorite mess.
You’re one of a kind,
Always on my mind,
And I’ll never be far behind.
The pitter-patter of tiny feet,
The sweetest sound of little squeaks,
And the sight of little fingerprints
On every living thing.
I’ll not always be this small,
So cherish me
Even when I’m tall!
I’ll not always crawl,
But I’ll always be
That very first phone call.
When all else may fail,
You can always count on me.
And blessed may our mothers be, for they have the best blessings of all: Their children.
Is it update time again?
Well. Here goes nothin’ I suppose.
I’m in the home stretch of my third year at Southern Union. I have three exams left then I’m done with it, and college, forever. Or at least for a few years. I’m not happy about it. Many things are changing very quickly and I have no time to adjust.
Let me explain.
I have been planning (for years) to go to college, get my degree in photojournalism, and attempt my hand at my business (Dancing DragonFly Photography). But now I am unable to finish my education and am in desperate need of a job or some sort of income NOW. ASAP.
I was unconditionally accepted into Troy University in Troy, Al but I learned that I was unable to attend due to a financial crisis. My dream went up in a puff of smoke within the limits of one phone call. I was awarded over five grand through a government grant but I would have need 20 grand more just for classes and books alone. I was crushed and my life and my idea of what I wanted from it came crashing down around me. I panicked. And I’m still panicking.
I have three more exams to take, then I am done with college. I have to immediately find and begin working somewhere. I have bills I have to pay, I have a car I have to maintain, and I will more than likely have no health insurance. I’m kinda terrified.
I’ve worked hard, and now it seems like when I need help… No one is there anymore. Everyone is always depending on me for help with everything but now that I absolutely need help, everyone has disappeared. I am so terrified of everything and not having the things I need and its all just very heavy on my shoulders. (As if there wasn’t enough stuff on them before.)
I’m working very hard to get my business out there and I’m about to create accounts for it on several other social media sites. (If you have any suggestions I would appreciate them in a comment or direct email.) I’ve been promoting lately and I’m seriously hoping I can attempt to start selling prints of some of my favorite and the public’s favorite, photographs I have taken. It’s going to be a long hard road and I’ve given up a lot of dreams and hopes that I had previously. I’m going to work hard, and promote even harder.
Eventually I’ll save up enough to fix my car and spare tire. Eventually I’ll save up enough money to acquire the things I need for my business to run the way I need and want it to. Eventually I’ll have enough to move out on my own. I run my business largely online and that’s where my promoting is mostly executed plus word-of-mouth. A sister of mine has asked me to take pictures of her youngest daughter (my niece) at her softball games this year. (I’ve only missed one game so far.) And she loves the pictures I’ve captured thus far. I have to admit that I’ve become quite the softball fan. She swings a mean bat and runs the bases like no body’s business.
I’m hoping to spread the word around and get my name and my business out into the world as much as possible. I need to get more business cards made up soon but that will have to wait.
To sum up the last few weeks of my life, I would have to say that it has been a whirlwind of activity. I’ve been busy and I hope to become more busy with my business as the months carry on.
My photography is the only thing besides my family and my love (Joey) that I have left. I WILL NOT give up on them or it.
Me and Joey are now a new fixture in my “niece’s” life and her mom’s life as well. We met her through our friend Matt, and now we talk to her and the kids more than we talk to him. Sad trade but that’s how it goes.
I am now their official photographer and I have been to all her softball games so far this season. I had no idea I would love going to these games as much as I do. I love being there, supporting this little girl and her family. I love being a part of her family and their lives. I love that she looks up to me and my boyfriend.
What strikes me the most about going to these softball games… is her conviction. Her dedication to this game is phenomenal. When her team makes a run, she’s out there celebrating. When her team wins, she’s the happiest little person in the world. If she strikes out, she is so upset, that she won’t speak, she won’t sleep on the way home, she’s truly upset with herself.
When he and I showed up to her first game, she was so excited to see us. Her face bloomed, she was visibly more focused on her game and teammates. She calls me over to the dugout all the time. She smiles at me for pictures when she’s out in the field. She’s constantly letting us know how excited she is for us all to be there for her.
Watching her this last week has shown me her habits out on the field. When she’s batting… She likes to get it out in the field on the first or second swing. Anything after that and she gets frustrated with fouls and hates being stuck on any base through more than one batter. Her team’s pretty good about loading up the bases and keeping the game moving. For the first half of the game they get a lot of foul balls but once they switch for the third inning… You better bet on them to win. These little kids play with more conviction than I ever thought possible.
And you know what? That little girl teaches me something every time I see her. She teaches me to never give up, keep to my guns, and to hold close the ones I love. She may not talk to me much, but she sure does let me know she loves that I’m there.
I take pictures of that little girl and her family every chance I get. They are some of the most loving and giving people I have ever met. They tell you like it is, they don’t sugarcoat anything. They welcomed me and my boyfriend with open arms, no questions asked.
They are some wonderful people. I’m so glad I got to meet them and be a part of their family.
As you all know, I fully support Marriage Equality and Gay Rights. With this in mind, please do not take offense over anything you may read in this blog as it is all my opinion and my work.
Today, I was reading through my Facebook News feed and saw so many red profile pictures that it made my heart soar with happiness. My friends are showing their support on the most popular social network on the Internet! Yeah! But I was also angered and saddened by all the hate I saw there too. I instantly wondered, Where did all this hate come from?
Then I remembered; fear controls many emotions. One of the major emotions that comes from fear is hate. Fear makes us do many, many things we may regret in our lives.
1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm, intrepidity.
2. specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights. Synonyms: phobia, aversion; bête noire, bogy, bogey, bugbear. Antonyms: liking, fondness, penchant, predilection.
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone’s safety.
4. reverential awe, especially toward God: the fear of God. Synonyms: awe, respect, reverence, veneration.
5. something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension; something a person is afraid of: Cancer is a common fear.
We fear the things we do not know. If we do not know something, we fear it. This is part of our fight or flight response and is ingrained in our subconscious mind.
Fear fuels many emotions, both negative and positive. Among those is anger and hate.
If you approached everything in your life with hate because of fear, you would lead a very boring and sheltered life. You would never learn new things and you would never meet new people. In order to meet new people, you have to learn from them and hear their stories.
If you close your ears and your mind and open your mouth to spew judgment, you may be making mistakes out of fear. This fear, homophobia, is starting to become the downfall of our country. I stand corrected; IGNORANCE will be our downfall; Ignorance due to fear and hate.
the state or fact of being ignorant; lack of knowledge, learning, information, etc
As a person, you should endeavor to educate yourself. You should STAND UP and STAND OUT. You should stand up against ignorance and stand up against hate. You need to stand out from the crowd and create your own path and make your own decisions. Teach yourself about everything you want to learn about and never let someone else make your decisions for you. TEACH YOURSELF! Do not fall for another’s ignorance.
I would have called you on this day,
I would have called you to share my love with you.
I would have called you this day,
To tell you a thing I wanted to say.
I wanted to call you this day,
To tell you Happy “Early” Birthday.
Oh joyous day, oh joyous day!
May we celebrate on this, in this way
I can tell you,
Today (tomorrow) will be a happy day.
For everyday, for you,
Is now a happy, joyful day.
I love you, and I will see you again one day.
Happy “Early” Birthday, Dweeb.
I posted this on my brother’s Facebook a day or so before his birthday.
Every year since he found me, we have called each other on our respective birthdays, and wish each other a happy birthday. We would share our love for each other and share our days with each other. I miss him more and more each day, and its never going to go away.
Of course I miss him and I wish he hadn’t gone, but he is in a much better place, where there are no seizures or hardships for him to bear. My life has been made all the sweeter since Dawson came into it and without him there, it’s a little bit dimmer.
Every time I hear his name, I opens a new space in my heart. It comforts me to know that I am not alone; I have so many wonderful people around me everyday to help me and for me to help them with this tragic loss.
Dawson is and was such a bright soul, and will never be forgotten. He touched so many people and showed so many that there are still people in this life that care for others more than themselves.
He showed me that life can suck the fun out you, but ONLY if you LET it. He showed me how to be bright and caring again. He helped teach me the right attitude to have in life and I will never forget that.
I miss him everyday, and it seems like everyday there is something more that I want to tell him, to call him about.
I love you, Dawson. I’m glad you found me and gave me a brother.
So I havent updated at all since my brother passed. I really need to get this junk out of my brain.
Today, the 24th of February, is my mother’s birthday. She had her boyfriend make her a cake (chocolate) and it came out reasonably well.
My brother, Travis, came out here. We were all under the impression that he was coming to work on the car. No dice. He came out here to rid grandma of these annoying buzzards that have been hounding us lately. Problem solved with bottle rockets and Roman Candles.
Joey came and picked me up, we took the car to Prestridge Ford in Roanoke, and met Travis there. They bonded over the BS transmission issues and drained the transmission then put new fluid and stop leak in it. It still doesn’t have reverse and still wont go into fourth gear. It goes to third (when it wants to) and just revs like hell and goes faster after that. No reverse, needs new transmission, and Travis seems like its a major problem for him to even bother with it anymore. (That may just be my temper coming out but who knows.)
After they put all that fluid in it, decided it was a lost cause, and Travis left; we went and picked up lunch. After we put our respective vehicles back in order, we went our ways and it turned into an okay day.
Car still doesnt run right, wont run right, and im out of a ride for three-six weeks. F^(%.
My brain has been addled for quite a while now, but I’ve been valiantly trying to hold it together. I mean, Its hard for me to do this, this thing I call life. It’s really hard right now.
I’m working really hard to regain my equilibrium.
I’m stressed over everything and I’m still mourning. I can’t deal with it all and its beginning to take a toll on me again. I hate it.
I worry about my current classes, about whether or not I’m going to get into housing at Troy, my dumb car, how I’m supposed to get there if I get in, I worry about my future… All of this I worry about every day. I cant just flip a switch and turn it off. I wish I could but I cant and I wasnt built with a way to try to do that.
I’m hurting and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it.