Stream of consciousness tonight…

I know  I am not perfect. Never, have I ever, claimed to be so. I have never claimed that I have never made mistakes. Never have I said that I have no regrets.

I make, will make, have made, and will more than likely continue to make mistakes. Big ones, small ones, life-altering ones too.

I have always been told, and have learned it for myself, that mistakes are what make us human. And with that being said, I have made a few hundred thousand mistakes in my short, fun-filled 22 (almost 23) years of life. I’ve almost gotten married a few times, I’ve lost some very important family members and friends to medical problems, I’ve had a few hundred medical problems myself, and I’ve had a few relationships that taught me a lot about myself.

I’m still learning about myself as a person and someone very close to me pointed out to me not too long ago that I’m repeating a few of the same mistakes. I agree. But I’m not the same person I was when I made those mistakes the first time, or even the second time. The first time was given because I was very young and terrified. I had NO IDEA what I wanted from life but I knew at that point that I could not handle what was put in front of me and I ran. I was an idiot. I was an idiot but it taught me about myself and created a lasting bond.

Second time I was pushed away. I did not run from that one and I will never let anyone tell me otherwise. I know exactly what happened in that relationship and its not my fault, not totally. Again I was a bit young and was thinking a little too far ahead of what I thought was best for me at that time. I had a very solid five year and five year plus plan for myself and it was more than the other party could handle at that time. We have since become friendly with each other and no grudges have been held.

I learned early on in my life what I wanted, and about when I wanted it in my life. I had dreams and goals and an idea of how I could and would get there. I’ve thought that I have been steadily moving up toward that goal. Maybe yes, maybe no; I’m not so sure anymore but I’m not sitting still.

I want children, and marriage (traditional or not, I honestly don’t care) and a home to call my own, and my car to be safer for me to be in….

And most of all…. I want a big family. A giant network of people spread around the world (not literally) that love and communicate with each other all the time, everyday.

I want to be more… open. I want to hug more, to smile more, to laugh more, to SHARE more. I love making people happy. It is just something that I do. But it is past time that I think of myself. I want to be happy.

I recently made a crazy big decision and no one seems to really truly understand it. I take that back – a small handful of people in my network of love understand and encourage me. Support me, even. And for that I am grateful. I may not make the best decisions, or sometimes even the right ones, but I always do what my heart says I should (after careful deliberation) and I go with it. If it seems out of character, I want to apologize but I no longer feel the need to apologize for myself. Not anymore.

I know that I am foolish. No one has to tell me that. I know that I am stupid at times and that I make rash decisions too quickly sometimes. I do not care. I also know that I am not happy and I should be.

It has been too long since I have put my needs above others around me. I deserve to be selfish for a bit.

Can I not be selfish?

I don’t understand.

(Afterthought: I guess it’s just not enough.)

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Lackluster Passion

In my life there are a great many things I am passionate about. I’ve listed a few of those things here.

1. My photography.

I may still be an amateur photographer and have a lifetime of learning to go but this simple hobby is my passion and I will never give it up.

2. Mi Familia: My Family

My family is a very wide and extensive amount of folks who mean the world to me. My mother, my grandmother, various aunts, uncles, and cousins; these are all blood kin and are who have my back in the end even if not in the beginning.

Family isn’t always flesh and blood kin to one another, they are Chosen Family. Oftentimes this type of family is the best kind and can take the place of blood kin on occasion. I can count on one hand how many people I have chosen as true family (a few people may be hurt by this statement but there are layers to every family, not just mine. Don’t get your panties in a twist.)

Christopher Campbell is the very best man I have ever known in my whole life and knows me and my heart better than anyone else in this world ever will. He calls me out on my sh*t and gives me the lecture(s) I need to get my butt in gear. He tells me, without malice, exactly how much I have messed up in any situation and then tells me EXACTLY how he feels. I don’t know if he realizes this or not but he’s saved me more than I can ever say. And in more than one way as well.

Recently I’ve made some decisions that aren’t ideal and are messy, muddy, might seem complicated, and are down right wrong at the low points and are stupid but the thing is… I made those decisions. I made these decisions and I have owned them. They have not owned me. I am finally beginning to be the adult I want to see in myself. Why? I lost myself and have recently begun to recapture who I used to be and have a better idea of who I want myself to become. Yes, I jacked up my decision process and made some bad calls, bad choices, and I realized what I was doing after my brother (Christopher) gave me the talking-to I desperately needed. Right now, he believes I have done the unthinkable and he’s right. I’ve messed up big time. I make no excuses for myself. I take responsibility for the outcome of my decisions with no regrets.

I have a track record of hurting people and running away when I think I’m losing myself. I know this. I’ve previously made decisions based on this but I am not the same person I was when I made those decisions. My mind was clouded. I’m not saying my mind isn’t clouded now, but I am better than the person I used to be. I am not making these current decisions based on fear, anxiety, or pride. I’m also not going to defend myself or my decisions anymore. People are going to think what they want despite what the truth may be. These decisions are my own and I will not allow others to influence or cloud my judgement any longer.

My brother CJ is angry with me right now and does not support me but he did put me in square back into my place and I appreciate him for that. I love him even though he more than likely hates me now. At least he cared enough to put me back where I needed to be mentally before he cut all ties with me. That’s more than I thought I deserved and I’ll never forgive myself for the damage I’ve done to our friendship over the course of our lives.

3.. Being True To Yourself

I’ll be honest here. I’m never completely open with anyone. I’m changing this, one conversation at a time. I’m doing this so that I’m not suppressing myself for anyone else’s happiness or comfort. I’m taking back what I lost.

4. Passion.

Yes, I am passionate about passion. A conundrum isn’t it?

Passion is the essential spice of life in my opinion. If you don’t feel passionate about something in your life, something is definitely wrong and needs to be changed.

I am doing what I think is right, after careful debate and that lecture I know I deserved. I don’t expect everyone or even anyone to accept what I have going on. I am going to find myself again, regain my passion for everything in life, and I will never let anyone or anything get in the way of that again.  I know not everyone will understand what I’m feeling or how I am going about changing things but let’s face it… Sh*t happens.

I will no longer apologize for myself, my thoughts, or my decisions.

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Self improvement. Yeah, that stuff.

I’ve been on a journey of self improvement for a long time now, this much is certain.

I’ve been unhappy for a long while and have been trying to “fix” myself. I thought that maybe if I was better, everything else would get better with time. As it turns out, I wasn’t the problem. Correction: I wasn’t the core of the problem at hand. Let me explain….

I was unhappy. It was plain to see on my face, even with my guard up and my smile plastered on strong. I had moments of happiness that masked the truth rather well but the simple truth is that I wasn’t happy. My happiness had been long gone before anyone could stop it.

Last July I got a job at Murphy’s Fuel Station in Roanoke and that was a really good start for me, even if no one thought so at that time. (I was a bit skeptical at the time, too.) And as a result of being a good employee, I got the night shifts more often than not and decided it was better for everyone involved that I move in with Joey. On a good night I would come home anywhere from 12:30 AM to 1:00 AM but on a bad night it would be closer to 2:00 AM or later, especially when I went to Rocky’s with the boys or to pick up Eura (hi bestie) and have Early morning Huddle House “Learn to Poor” moments.

I left Murphy’s due to circumstances and reasons surrounding muddy waters around my mother’s health at the beginning of the year. I was very up in the air about what I was going to do and relied heavily upon others at the time to help me stay steady on my feet. That was what I needed at that time and I did what I thought needed to be done.

I took care of my mother for about a month. Speeding like a demon to get to her in the ER/Hospital in Anniston that first night and staying awake for over 52 hours to care for her… Staying with her at a friends house to make sure nothing else would happen and that she was cared for properly and monitored the way she needed to be… Then making sure we made it back home to Roanoke without incident and attempting to return to work at least once a week from then on. I left Murphy’s shortly after Mom went into the hospital and decided I was better off taking care of my family and myself.

My grandmother is like Wonder Woman and seems invincible but she can’t care for others as well as she used to and that’s why I take so much time out of my life to help her.  I love her immensely and do whatever it takes to care for her and my grandfather. We may not always get along with each other but we are family and that’s all that counts.

I spent the better part of the next few months (January through April) caring for Mama and made a very much needed trip to South Carolina to visit with my brother CJ and his fiance Rachel. (Love you guys SOOO much!) We ended up staying longer than expected, caught up on some things we really needed to with each other and made a wedding happen within two weeks for friends who lived up there as well. It was marvelous and wonderful ad cathartic all at the same time. I miss my brother and new sister very much and wish our schedules were more suited to chatting with each other more often.

Joey and I were reasonably happy… As happy as any couple could be with only one of us having a job, then neither of us having a job, then him having a job and me going back and forth between my grandmothers and his house AND work every week.

The thing is… I wasn’t happy. I was frustrated and tired… And nothing was how it used to be. Our relationship had matured but it was different. It was cooling off instead of heating up. This did not make me happy and I know Joey seemed happy but he wouldn’t talk to me about how he felt.

I recently took things into perspective and evaluated the relationship. I wasn’t happy and things were not improving where they needed to be.

I did not have anymore of myself to put into a relationship that was more destructive than constructive. I felt like I was being dragged down rather than lifted up. I was losing myself and I felt helpless to stop it. I had lost my mojo, my gumption, and my get-up-and-go had left me in the dust long ago. I had lost my love for life and my appetite for… anything really.

I wasn’t myself and I hated that. I had lost who I was somewhere along the way and I was done. I’d had enough. It was time to regain myself and become me again.

Yes, it’s hard. Life is not an easy mistress to appease.

I have taken my life back into my own two hands. I am going to make the decisions I feel like need to be made to take back my happiness again. Just the other day I said to myself and to two friends who are very close to me…

“Today, I will be strong. I can be fragile tomorrow or some other day. But today… Today I will be strong.”

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That there update.

Ok so I have no idea when the last update was so here’s a summary of whats going on…

  • Got a new job, love it.
    • Forestree Network Services, Secretary
  • Paying off South University so I can get my transcripts released if I ever decide to go back to college (again!).

And here’s the big and heavy news…

I moved out.

I wasn’t happy, and couldn’t foresee regaining that happiness with the way things were moving. Simple as that.

I had been unhappy for a long time and thought that maybe I could “fix” myself and the relationship would be better. I was wrong.

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Such capture, is my own

Some things are better left unsaid;

just as some thoughts are better left for dead.

This captor of mine,

seems to be of thine own creation.

I know not of its title therein,

nor that of whom or what you speak.

Should you dine with wolves,

I shall dine amongst the swine of

society.

In this life

it tends to be

all

or nothing.

I’m not so sure,

I only want

All…

Or nothing…

What if I thought,

With my own mind creating my own thoughts,

That I wanted something different?

Life is never

Just this or

just that.

Its always a choice;

a choice between

two evils.

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Or something like that.

Sometimes…

Just sometimes; I crave the company of other humans.

And other times, I hate people so much that I don’t even want to be a part of social networks or even think about other humans.

There have been times when I craved the company of another person so much I came off as a creeper and kinda got a little depressed.

There was this one time that I actually enjoyed the company of others so much that no one noticed that I was exhausted and unhealthy.

And this other moment I was so glad to have someone around me that it didn’t matter that we were arguing and fussing with each other. We were friends. They said to me, “I’m your friend, Your best friend and I wouldn’t have this any other way. Except maybe taking your phone away from you.” (That was paraphrased)

I have held two jobs that made me come in contact with people constantly. The people were my job, basically. A hostess and a gas station attendant. You come in contact with hundreds of people a day. I loved making people smile and talk with me. Sometimes my more frequent customers would know when something was bothering me and make it a point to make me smile.

 

Early on in my relationship, we would always talk to each other. Constant smiles and conversation. I guess life intervened.

I moved in and it seems like everything went downhill from there.We were good until I left my job. Then we were good while he had a job in a place that utilized his skills. Then we were bad again and now he has another job and I hope to God that it gets better soon.

Usually springtime and summertime are good to me. This year I don’t know what this time of year has in store for me. March through May have always been a slow time for me and mine and I cant wait for the summer season to get here. Warmer weather, always something to do and somewhere to go. Art and craft shows, photo shoots, modeling sessions, and much much more but not a minute before June shows itself. Add to that I had to cancel the only contract I had out.

I’m feeling restless as this year creeps by so slowly.

I have full blown cabin fever and I’m ashamed to admit it. I should be just fine not having to deal with people on a daily basis but I am so bored.

I’m even considering going back to college. Sad but true. Seems like that may be the best thing for me to do. It keeps me busy and I get my education.

This must be confessions week or something because I don’t even feel better after all this free-writing.

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the Semicolon Project

https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Semicolon-Project/659615364052145

Look into it, it could help.

You are never alone.

Draw your semicolon today and keep writing your story; it isn’t over yet.

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