Irrational fear maybe?

My biggest fear is that one day, I’ll be too needy for you. Again.

I fear that even with a new beginning, and a stronger relationship… that I’ll be too much, or not enough. 

Again. 

I can’t help feeling this way when my life is in such turmoil. 
Nothing is clear. 

I’m not alone and yet I’m terrified to be in a room full of people. 

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Settling… 

Do you ever feel as if you are not living, learning, smiling, dreaming, maybe even thinking in a way that feels… right? 

I catch myself thinking on days when my decisions don’t seem the best, when I’m tired and lonely that maybe I settled for less. 

Maybe I did settle. 

Now you may say that there’s not a thing wrong with settling. Most people equate settling with stability and comfort. 

What if we are just tired of fighting for more? What if that “more” isn’t just more of any one thing; rather maybe it’s our instinctive need for happiness and stability riding us? 

On the other side of the token, why is “settling” such a bad decision? Why should we feel shame when others have told us we’ve settled for less?

“You could do better.” “You could have been more.” “You could get a better job, car, etc…” 

“Why do you stay with him/her/them?” “Why do you love him/her/them?”

I think the most hurtful words are meant to be concerned, instead they are innocuous and chip away away us daily. 

“Are you happy?” 

“What can I do to help?”

These types of questions aren’t usually spoken with the intention of making the other feel better. These are normally self gratifying questions. 
Oftentimes I wonder how my life would be different, if I made a few decisions for myself, without questioning how I could include others. Selfish is how those thoughts make me feel. I’m not a very selfish person, and I barely keep myself going on days ending with Y. 

So I’m led back to wonder… 

Have I settled? 

Maybe… just maybe… 

I have. 

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Fun? What’s that?

Two days ago I was asked a simple question. And it has stuck in my mind like a thorn in a bear’s toe ever since.

“What do you do for fun?”

The answer to this should be a simple one, no? Wrong. I stumbled. I blinked. I blinked again. I recovered a bit then asked, “What do you mean by fun?”

I tried to play this off as just an inquiring mind filled with bored curiosity. I really tried to. This simple six word question has resonated within my mind for two days solid now… And I can’t quite figure it out.

The person who asked the question knows a small amount of what my daily life and even my weekly life is all about. They also realize how tired I always appear, and what produce I’ve discovered or am excited about the week I visit. They always ask me how I’m doing and as per my custom greeting, “Tired, busy, but I’m okay. How are you?”

Same dance, different day.

But this question just resonated with me and I still don’t think I gave them a satisfactory answer.

So. What DO I do for fun?

I enjoy just about everything that I do.

I love to read my books. I love to craft the things that I craft. I love to grow, sell, and ‘put-up’ my produce. I like my job and most of the people I work with. I love spending time with my boyfriend, too.

All of these things I enjoy doing, but the question still remains:

“What do you do for fun?”

I honestly don’t know.

There is no one thing that I do purely for the fun of it.

 

I’m not so sure I like how I feel about that revelation.

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I want more.

She says, “I want more.”

“What more could you possibly want?” What more, indeed.

Stability. Confidence. Affection. Unwavering curiosity.  A muse, if you will. Direction. Ah, but there is direction. A plan of action.

In the meantime, she is struggling. “Everyone is struggling,” they say. As if to validate themselves.

Everyone in this world is struggling with something, make no mistake about that. But to discredit someone else’s struggle is petty, and quite frankly, weak.

I want more.

I want more from this life I am living. So I’m going to take it.

I’m going to have fun I’m going to make decisions that other may question. I’m going to go places, and enjoy the experience.

And I’m going to find someone to enjoy those experiences with, if they would only join me. I don’t need someone with me to enjoy experiences. In fact, I usually enjoy most things more on my own. I’ve learned that we as a society are far too dependent upon one another for our own happiness. This knowledge leaves a mark on the psyche and it hurts.

I am more.

I am more. I’m not just going to be more I already am, and there is always room to learn, to love, to grow.

I will not judge, for that is not me. I should expect others to judge me. It is in the nature of people to administer judgement onto others.

Ignorance is not bliss.

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Maybe This Is Why I’ll Never Stop Loving You — Thought Catalog

Brandon WoelfelYou were the one thing I couldn’t have, so I ran. I understand it now, as I watch the San Francisco lights dance past this airplane window. I realize that you are the one man whom I would settle down with, start a life with, build a future with. There’s something about you, always…

via Maybe This Is Why I’ll Never Stop Loving You — Thought Catalog

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Stop Playing Games And Just Let Me Love You — Thought Catalog

mespilmanThis might scare you, but I know what you’re capable of. I know you’re capable of something real. I know that if you honestly wanted to, you could be an incredible partner for someone. I can’t put my finger on it, but I’ve always felt potential when you walk in the room; maybe not always…

via Stop Playing Games And Just Let Me Love You — Thought Catalog

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I’ve been Triggered.

I learned today that I have a trigger. 
That trigger would be my ex boyfriend. 
He spoke to my current boyfriend today and apprently felt the need to warn him that I am
 not a good housekeeper. He spoke like he was angry at me. Truth be told... 
I am very triggered by this. I did not handle our breakup as well as I should have. I bungled it severely.
I firmly believe that if I had not ended it when I did, we would both be miserable. There have been times that I have wanted to apologize for my behavior. 
I have yet to do so. I think two years is a little late for apologies. Truth is, I can't deal with how I feel when I'm around him. 
He creates a reaction so deep and raw inside me that sometimes, when I'm least expecting it, stops my breath and leaves my head pounding. 
We both made mistakes. I should have done more to better myself while we were together. He should have done more for himself as well. I needed more patience. 
I regret that I mishandled the situation, but I do not regret ending the relationship. I constantly worry over things I shouldn't worry about, due to my emotional/mental scarring.
I've worked very hard to become the person I am today. I've spent over two years getting here. 
But today... today I was triggered. 

Today I learned what it was to be triggered.



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