I want more.

She says, “I want more.”

“What more could you possibly want?” What more, indeed.

Stability. Confidence. Affection. Unwavering curiosity.  A muse, if you will. Direction. Ah, but there is direction. A plan of action.

In the meantime, she is struggling. “Everyone is struggling,” they say. As if to validate themselves.

Everyone in this world is struggling with something, make no mistake about that. But to discredit someone else’s struggle is petty, and quite frankly, weak.

I want more.

I want more from this life I am living. So I’m going to take it.

I’m going to have fun I’m going to make decisions that other may question. I’m going to go places, and enjoy the experience.

And I’m going to find someone to enjoy those experiences with, if they would only join me. I don’t need someone with me to enjoy experiences. In fact, I usually enjoy most things more on my own. I’ve learned that we as a society are far too dependent upon one another for our own happiness. This knowledge leaves a mark on the psyche and it hurts.

I am more.

I am more. I’m not just going to be more I already am, and there is always room to learn, to love, to grow.

I will not judge, for that is not me. I should expect others to judge me. It is in the nature of people to administer judgement onto others.

Ignorance is not bliss.

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Maybe This Is Why I’ll Never Stop Loving You — Thought Catalog

Brandon WoelfelYou were the one thing I couldn’t have, so I ran. I understand it now, as I watch the San Francisco lights dance past this airplane window. I realize that you are the one man whom I would settle down with, start a life with, build a future with. There’s something about you, always…

via Maybe This Is Why I’ll Never Stop Loving You — Thought Catalog

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Stop Playing Games And Just Let Me Love You — Thought Catalog

mespilmanThis might scare you, but I know what you’re capable of. I know you’re capable of something real. I know that if you honestly wanted to, you could be an incredible partner for someone. I can’t put my finger on it, but I’ve always felt potential when you walk in the room; maybe not always…

via Stop Playing Games And Just Let Me Love You — Thought Catalog

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I’ve been Triggered.

I learned today that I have a trigger. 
That trigger would be my ex boyfriend. 
He spoke to my current boyfriend today and apprently felt the need to warn him that I am
 not a good housekeeper. He spoke like he was angry at me. Truth be told... 
I am very triggered by this. I did not handle our breakup as well as I should have. I bungled it severely.
I firmly believe that if I had not ended it when I did, we would both be miserable. There have been times that I have wanted to apologize for my behavior. 
I have yet to do so. I think two years is a little late for apologies. Truth is, I can't deal with how I feel when I'm around him. 
He creates a reaction so deep and raw inside me that sometimes, when I'm least expecting it, stops my breath and leaves my head pounding. 
We both made mistakes. I should have done more to better myself while we were together. He should have done more for himself as well. I needed more patience. 
I regret that I mishandled the situation, but I do not regret ending the relationship. I constantly worry over things I shouldn't worry about, due to my emotional/mental scarring.
I've worked very hard to become the person I am today. I've spent over two years getting here. 
But today... today I was triggered. 

Today I learned what it was to be triggered.

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Here’s Why You Should Date The Undateable

We are layered creatures of extremes and sharp habits in a world that insists we should be softer, more acceptable, more lovable.

Source: Here’s Why You Should Date The Undateable

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Knee Replacement Surgery and Glue

My grandmother had total knee replacement surgery today. Left knee.

Let that sink in for a moment.

My grandmother is the glue that holds my entire family together.

Let me break it down for you.

There’s Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma runs the family, singlehandedly.

They have five children. My uncles Drew, Damon, and Kylie. (eldest to youngest) My Mother, Minnette, and my aunt Thea.

They have a comedic collection of grandchildren, some of which gave them great-grandchildren.

Krystle, Travis (my brother), Jessica, Sarah (me), Kase. And the younger ones are Gabriel, Greyson, AJ, Duncan, and Kaylie.

Krystle and Jessica have children of their own now and they are all amazing. (Because of course they are!)

All of these people were made possible because of my grandmother. She’s amazing.

She’s like the original super woman. Not only did she raise those five kids plus us youngins when time allowed, but she also took care of all of our friends and made money on the side by caring for other people’s children.

There are so many things that no one knows about my grandmother that I’m pretty sure if someone tried to write her memoirs their fingers would fall off.

My point, and the idea for this post, was that my grandmother has never been a person to let others know shes not 100%. Right now.. I’d say she’s at about 30% maybe and she’s fighting so hard to keep me from taking care of her. She thinks me taking this time for her is a terrible inconvenience. She’s wrong. She’s taken care of me my whole life to help my mother when she was working. Why the heck wouldn’t I take this time for her? I don’t care about money or things or whatever. I care more about my grandmother, MY FAMILY, than I do about ANYTHING else in this world.

Almeta Part has been there for me in ways that most people would dream about. She says to me all the time. Don’t worry about me, take care of yourself. If you need help, we will figure it out.

She’s just the best. I could say the same for my mother as well. the Partin women are a force to be reckoned with.

Hashtag: Partin Women Hurrah!

Add on:

I could go on and on but I got the point across with this. Later, much much later, I plan on dedicating one whole entry to my grandmother and one to my mother as well.

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2014 wait- 2015. My synopsis.

It’s 2015 already? Really? I am so not ready for this.

I spent 2014 taking care of everyone else.

My mother needed me to help her with her health. I am her primary caregiver, I take care of anything and everything she needs. I am also her POA in the event that it may be necessary. New year’s holidays in 2013 going into 2014she was in the hospital with a blood clot in her upper left thigh that could have taken her from me. I devoted all of my time taking care of her for several months making sure she was healthy and safe. (Never, EVER, let anyone be alone at the hospital.)

During the time that I was caring for Mom, I lost my job. There were complications and the situation could have been handled better but that’s in the past now. I made my decision to be with my mother rather than risk losing her, so I left my job.

Months went by and I found myself in a precarious position in my romantic life. Nothing bad was happening so don’t panic… I was simply unhappy. It seemed as if my partner and I were in a slump and couldn’t find out way out. I wasn’t happy and stressed that to my partner in an effort to impart my emotions and help him open up about his emotions. It did not help.

I found another job in August and loved it. It was going well. I went on a business trip that took two days or so. Things changed. When I came back home, I had to go back to work as usual. Arguments ensued. The situation escalated quickly into accusations and ignorance.

By the end of September I ended that relationship with complications and changed a few things. These changes were much needed, I’ll have you all know that much.

I moved back home to my grandmothers and things began looking up. I was happy again, or nearly so.

I began a new relationship that had much in store for me.

By mid October, I was engaged. October 17th to be exact. (I know; “So soon? Wow.” that is what you all will say.) I’m happy. I’m blessed.

My mother got married the day before my birthday (Go, Mom!). And I photographed the whole thing. It was worth it.

From the wedding me and Tony went to North Carolina to visit with his Mother and her side of the family. It was lovely and I think his family likes me. (This is a good thing.)

We also found where we want to have the wedding. It’s beautiful and shouldn’t be too cold in September. Oops… was trying to keep that a secret.

And that about sums up my year.

I’m fully expecting 2015 to be rip-roaring crazy and full of surprises.

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