I learned today that I have a trigger. That trigger would be my ex boyfriend. He spoke to my current boyfriend today and apprently felt the need to warn him that I am not a good housekeeper. He spoke like he was angry at me. Truth be told... I am very triggered by this. I did not handle our breakup as well as I should have. I bungled it severely. I firmly believe that if I had not ended it when I did, we would both be miserable. There have been times that I have wanted to apologize for my behavior. I have yet to do so. I think two years is a little late for apologies. Truth is, I can't deal with how I feel when I'm around him. He creates a reaction so deep and raw inside me that sometimes, when I'm least expecting it, stops my breath and leaves my head pounding. We both made mistakes. I should have done more to better myself while we were together. He should have done more for himself as well. I needed more patience. I regret that I mishandled the situation, but I do not regret ending the relationship. I constantly worry over things I shouldn't worry about, due to my emotional/mental scarring. I've worked very hard to become the person I am today. I've spent over two years getting here. But today... today I was triggered. Today I learned what it was to be triggered.
We are layered creatures of extremes and sharp habits in a world that insists we should be softer, more acceptable, more lovable.
My grandmother had total knee replacement surgery today. Left knee.
Let that sink in for a moment.
My grandmother is the glue that holds my entire family together.
Let me break it down for you.
There’s Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma runs the family, singlehandedly.
They have five children. My uncles Drew, Damon, and Kylie. (eldest to youngest) My Mother, Minnette, and my aunt Thea.
They have a comedic collection of grandchildren, some of which gave them great-grandchildren.
Krystle, Travis (my brother), Jessica, Sarah (me), Kase. And the younger ones are Gabriel, Greyson, AJ, Duncan, and Kaylie.
Krystle and Jessica have children of their own now and they are all amazing. (Because of course they are!)
All of these people were made possible because of my grandmother. She’s amazing.
She’s like the original super woman. Not only did she raise those five kids plus us youngins when time allowed, but she also took care of all of our friends and made money on the side by caring for other people’s children.
There are so many things that no one knows about my grandmother that I’m pretty sure if someone tried to write her memoirs their fingers would fall off.
My point, and the idea for this post, was that my grandmother has never been a person to let others know shes not 100%. Right now.. I’d say she’s at about 30% maybe and she’s fighting so hard to keep me from taking care of her. She thinks me taking this time for her is a terrible inconvenience. She’s wrong. She’s taken care of me my whole life to help my mother when she was working. Why the heck wouldn’t I take this time for her? I don’t care about money or things or whatever. I care more about my grandmother, MY FAMILY, than I do about ANYTHING else in this world.
Almeta Part has been there for me in ways that most people would dream about. She says to me all the time. Don’t worry about me, take care of yourself. If you need help, we will figure it out.
She’s just the best. I could say the same for my mother as well. the Partin women are a force to be reckoned with.
Hashtag: Partin Women Hurrah!
I could go on and on but I got the point across with this. Later, much much later, I plan on dedicating one whole entry to my grandmother and one to my mother as well.
It’s 2015 already? Really? I am so not ready for this.
I spent 2014 taking care of everyone else.
My mother needed me to help her with her health. I am her primary caregiver, I take care of anything and everything she needs. I am also her POA in the event that it may be necessary. New year’s holidays in 2013 going into 2014she was in the hospital with a blood clot in her upper left thigh that could have taken her from me. I devoted all of my time taking care of her for several months making sure she was healthy and safe. (Never, EVER, let anyone be alone at the hospital.)
During the time that I was caring for Mom, I lost my job. There were complications and the situation could have been handled better but that’s in the past now. I made my decision to be with my mother rather than risk losing her, so I left my job.
Months went by and I found myself in a precarious position in my romantic life. Nothing bad was happening so don’t panic… I was simply unhappy. It seemed as if my partner and I were in a slump and couldn’t find out way out. I wasn’t happy and stressed that to my partner in an effort to impart my emotions and help him open up about his emotions. It did not help.
I found another job in August and loved it. It was going well. I went on a business trip that took two days or so. Things changed. When I came back home, I had to go back to work as usual. Arguments ensued. The situation escalated quickly into accusations and ignorance.
By the end of September I ended that relationship with complications and changed a few things. These changes were much needed, I’ll have you all know that much.
I moved back home to my grandmothers and things began looking up. I was happy again, or nearly so.
I began a new relationship that had much in store for me.
By mid October, I was engaged. October 17th to be exact. (I know; “So soon? Wow.” that is what you all will say.) I’m happy. I’m blessed.
My mother got married the day before my birthday (Go, Mom!). And I photographed the whole thing. It was worth it.
From the wedding me and Tony went to North Carolina to visit with his Mother and her side of the family. It was lovely and I think his family likes me. (This is a good thing.)
We also found where we want to have the wedding. It’s beautiful and shouldn’t be too cold in September. Oops… was trying to keep that a secret.
And that about sums up my year.
I’m fully expecting 2015 to be rip-roaring crazy and full of surprises.
Its 2015, you guys. Whoa.
I don’t know if I am quite ready for another year to begin.
2014 went by really quickly for me, with many many ups and downs.
This time in 2013 I was leaving the hospital with my mother after they found a blood clot in her upper thigh that could have easily killed her. Obviously she’s fine now but I spent the entire year taking care of her medical needs as well as my grandparents’ medical and transportation needs. I got quite the scare from both my mother and my grandparents this past year.
Luckily, everyone is doing much better and getting better just about everyday they spend breathing.
Mom is doing better, she got married in November, she is getting a house soon for her and Moose. (Yay!)
Grandpa had his knee replaced and is driving and taking care of himself rather well these days. Grandma is doing well and I talk to her at least once a week and I try to spend a few hours with her every other week unless I’m staying at Tony’s.
And that’s how everyone else is doing.
If there is one thing that life has taught me… It is that you only get one mother.
You may meet and love and count others as such, but you only get the one.
I personally have counted only one other as My Second Mother, because that is exactly what she was to me. She filled the role with finesse as my own flesh and blood mother would have when I looked to her for the things every child does.
I’ve been thinking about how much my mother means to me and how thankful I am that I am able to spend so much of my life with her. I am so grateful that it scares me sometimes; I can’t begin to make the right words to express how emotional I am about my mother.
I’m not generally a person who shows her emotions or carries the heart on the sleeve. In the last two years so much has changed and so much has happened. In the last two years, no in the last year I have come to realize that my intentions and my future plans were wrong. I was heading down a path that was completely wrong for me and I’ve only come to see it now. I had blinders on and I couldn’t make myself find the buckle to remove them.
It has been almost one year since my mother was in the hospital and I almost lost her. I’ve never been more scared in my life. Reliving those moments now gets me teary eyed and generally upset. I’ve also never worked as hard for anything in my life as I did in those moments.
I had been asleep in my bed when the phone call came through and I didn’t hear it. I woke up about two hours later and checked the voicemail. Mom’s then boyfriend had called me to tell me she was in the ER and that he wanted me to know. Never in my life have I ever been more upset with myself than in that moment.
I immediately called him back and he couldn’t tell me anything about what was going on because they were still “running tests” to figure out why she was in so much pain and whatnot. Keep in mind, I know my mother may not be the lightest of folks but she’s damn sure not unhealthy and knows her body better than any damn doctor ever will. She told them she thought it might have been a blood clot and they did NOT believe her until they had run enough other tests that came back with nothing. They did a Doppler on her left leg and found just that: a clot. A big one that could easily have killed her had they not found it.
By the time I got there, she was pale, sore, swollen, and you could see the distress on her face clear as day. I was so angry and relieved in that moment. I was angry that it took the staff so long to actually LISTEN to their patient. To this day I will never understand why the staff there were so rude, unresponsive, and just plain unacceptable. If I had grounds for a court case, I would have one and I would have won. Period.
I think two people were kind and gentle with us. Two. Out of the eight people we worked with, the night shift head nurse who drew blood as well as checked vitals and one other nurse who constantly was there to help me and listen to what we needed. The doctor who talked to us on December 31st was a very good person for helping us. But I only saw him once. He wrote mom prescriptions and told me to run and get them filled at walgreens just down the road a few blocks before Mom’s insurance changed with the new year. He saw how tired and beaten up I was and how Mom was and took pity. He said, “Take these, go to Walgreens right now and get them filled. I will make sure the nurses keep close watch on your mom while you are gone, it should only take you about twenty to thirty minutes or less. Go now so you don’t get stuck trying to get them tomorrow. Your mom will be fine until you get back. Go. And get a drink for yourself, you’re too tired. Be careful.”
My best friend Eura was with me the first two almost three days. We stayed awake for two entire days. I brought her home when I made a super speedy trip to get clothes for me and my mom the one time I came back home when forced to do so. I was awake for 56 hours straight with no rest, caffeine and hope being the only things keeping me going.
It was serious touch and go the entire time I was with her in the hospital, then even more so when we finally came home. I left my job because I couldn’t lose my mother. I was NOT going to leave her in the hospital. I could get another job. They had enough people to cover my shifts, they just didn’t want to deal with me not being there.
The point I had in mind when I began to write this entry was that I am grateful, thankful for my mother. I cannot imagine what this world would be like without her in it.
I will write another entry in honor of my grandmother, who has been there for me like no other.
I have been missing something and I am still unaware, er, unable to come to terms with it fully. I have been desperately trying to deal with my emotions as of late.
I don’t know how many of you know but I have always battled with depression, anxiety, and self worth problems.
Recently, I’ve had a big BIG change in my life, followed by another change, which resulted in a rather unexpected change.
Let me explain… And please bear with me and don’t send your judgements in my direction I have enough to deal with, I do NOT need negativity.
I spent 4+ years with my last partner, and it was a bumpy ride but it made us happy 85% of the time and not as happy the other 15%. I lived with that partner for about a year and we endured several ups and downs which seemed like more error than trial.
After a few months of co-habitating, things changed somehow and everything was different for us. We weren’t as happy as I believe we should have been or could have been. Even after things changed and turned out to be a little better, we weren’t the same.
I don’t know how to explain it.
We weren’t in a good place anymore. Correction: I wasn’t in a good place anymore. I had attempted to express my unhappiness more than once but it seemed like my words weren’t making it through to anyone, to the one person that really needed to hear them.
And eventually I decided that I needed a change, I needed and deserved to be happy.
I took my opportunity and made an executive decision which, looking back, I could have gone about it differently. I know now that if I had gone about it any differently then I would not have had the inner strength to do what needed to be done.
I have a soft spot for that person and for the person they were long ago. I have next to no will power of my own when that person is involved because I still love them very much and I’m hurt very deeply by the everything that has happened as of late. I’m still very much trying to process everything on my own but I’m also not pausing my life or myself in order to move forward and be happy, to become a happier person.
After I made this big decision and implemented it… I made another decision and moved forward with it, not looking for anything in particular to happen. And then something great happened and BAM, happiness happened.
A short while later more happiness happened.
And now I’m reminiscing about everything that happened before that decision was made and how I feel about myself in general.
I’m slightly overwhelmed and I’m panicking a little about how I feel about everything.
I admit that I miss things. I miss alot of things. And that makes me sad at times. I miss how things used to be. I miss how everything used to be when things were good between us. I just wish things had turned out differently for us. I wish things could have been better, and I wish that… I wish for so many things.
I’m happy. For the first time in a long while I am happy and things are progressing.
I wish I could figure out a way to put things into better perspective so I could write about them easier and in a way that others could understand more easily.
It’s way too soon for me to do that and I thought that I could. I cannot. I’m sorry.