Most little girls, throughout their childhood, dream about their perfect wedding. The colors, the dress, the cake, the bridesmaids dresses, the whole shebang.
I didn’t do that.
I didn’t start dreaming about my wedding until after I was in high school, and even then I wasn’t dreaming hardcore yet. I began to seriously think about my dream wedding once I met Stevenn. My first serious relationship outside my comfort zone. We were together about a year when the serious talk began.
I was riding home with him from school he randomly said something like, “You know there won’t be a divorce if we get married, right? I don’t believe in divorce unless something really crazy or stupid happens.” I looked over at him and said, “Me neither. My mother’s been divorced several times, and every time it was because the guy messed up too big to fix. I want my marriage to be the only one I have.”
Six months later during a Christmas party for his workplace, he proposed. This would be the first of many proposals. Later on in the coming year, we broke up for a few months, then got back together.
Long story short, we were together off and on for the better part of six years. The second proposal break-off was while I was attempting to create arrangements for the wedding itself with the future in mind because I was still in high school. He just bailed for his Army plans and left me hanging.
My point for this part is this: I’ve never had a chance to think about a wedding. And I’ve never been disillusioned enough to think that I would ever have one.
Fast forward to April 2010: It’s my senior prom and Stevenn’s missed it in favor of three weeks of training on base. My brother took me instead and it went well, I thought; even though my brother was a dick and so was my grandmother. *shrug*
May 2010: I’m graduating from high school, spend two months preparing for this night and had Stevenn promise to be in attendance. Obviously he was not. The night of my graduation was great until I left the school and headed out to visit friends on the way home and to drop off my sister and her fiance at the time. My mother, her best friend (Stevenn’s mother), my sister and her then fiance had ridden with us to the ceremony. I wanted to go see Mama Julie after graduation and when I got there, Stevenn’s friends were there and I couldn’t be there with them. I had thought they were my friends as well but I was mistaken.
After we drop off Lori and her fiance, we go to Cindy’s house to hang out a while and release some of my ecstatic energy from graduation. Come to find out, Britney had gone to the airport to pick up Stevenn during that time.
He broke my heart that night. And I still hold a grudge against him to this day, it’s just lessened with time.
My point for this whole post is this: I won’t have the wedding of my dreams, nor do I believe I ever will.
But here’s what I know I will have: A life I am happy with, a partner I am in love with, and no regrets on my conscience.
A wedding isn’t all there is in life, happiness is what I strive for.
I have found my happiness with the man I love, Joey.
We may not have a wedding, but we do have happiness and I couldn’t ask for more.