This is going to be a hard pill to take, and most of you will try to encourage me to be better, to remain strong; things will get better.
I have news for those people. It got better, then the other shoe fell, a towel was thrown in, and my get-up-and-go stopped going.
I work hard. Or at least I try to. I try to be the person I want others to see and want to be themselves. But I’m tired. I’m so damn tired of trying that I’ve given up. There’s just about nothing left of me anymore. I’ve used up all of me and there’s only a few drops and a sip left.
When I speak, no one hears my voice. When I speak, no one hears the words I bring forth. I don’t speak anymore, I keep my mouth sealed and leave my thoughts private.
I no longer trust anyone as easily as I once did. I have realized the error of my trusting ways and no longer wish to be such an open and honest person. You could say that I’ve been burned one too many times. And I believe you would be right.
At this point in my life, I have become a shell of my former self. I am anxiety, stress, and depression wrapped into one neat package. If I could change that, I would. I hate this depression slump I have fallen into but I have no options to get me out of it at the moment. Things have not gotten better for me lately or in the last few months so I have no reason to believe they will begin to rise up in the future.
This part of me is the part most do not see. This part of me is like a poison and kills me from inside out. It chips away at my confidence and slowly dissolves any trust or happiness I might have had.
This part, the depression part, whispers believable nonsense into my ear and gives me the ability to see my worthlessness. I know this to be nonsense and I know I shouldn’t listen to it, but its always been easier to believe I am nothing than to believe I am everything. I have a hard time believing I am someone’s everything when I see myself as nothing.
I try very hard to follow my dreams but my dreams aren’t very easy to follow. I have officially given up on my biggest dreams and now its crunch time in my life. I have made two big decisions in the last year of my life and now I am desperately trying to keep a small hope of my last one alive. (It’s not looking very good at the moment.)
As I have said; there’s not much of me left, I’ve been used all up. I don’t know how to deal with this and it’s becoming quite the problem.