I’ve been on a journey of self improvement for a long time now, this much is certain.
I’ve been unhappy for a long while and have been trying to “fix” myself. I thought that maybe if I was better, everything else would get better with time. As it turns out, I wasn’t the problem. Correction: I wasn’t the core of the problem at hand. Let me explain….
I was unhappy. It was plain to see on my face, even with my guard up and my smile plastered on strong. I had moments of happiness that masked the truth rather well but the simple truth is that I wasn’t happy. My happiness had been long gone before anyone could stop it.
Last July I got a job at Murphy’s Fuel Station in Roanoke and that was a really good start for me, even if no one thought so at that time. (I was a bit skeptical at the time, too.) And as a result of being a good employee, I got the night shifts more often than not and decided it was better for everyone involved that I move in with Joey. On a good night I would come home anywhere from 12:30 AM to 1:00 AM but on a bad night it would be closer to 2:00 AM or later, especially when I went to Rocky’s with the boys or to pick up Eura (hi bestie) and have Early morning Huddle House “Learn to Poor” moments.
I left Murphy’s due to circumstances and reasons surrounding muddy waters around my mother’s health at the beginning of the year. I was very up in the air about what I was going to do and relied heavily upon others at the time to help me stay steady on my feet. That was what I needed at that time and I did what I thought needed to be done.
I took care of my mother for about a month. Speeding like a demon to get to her in the ER/Hospital in Anniston that first night and staying awake for over 52 hours to care for her… Staying with her at a friends house to make sure nothing else would happen and that she was cared for properly and monitored the way she needed to be… Then making sure we made it back home to Roanoke without incident and attempting to return to work at least once a week from then on. I left Murphy’s shortly after Mom went into the hospital and decided I was better off taking care of my family and myself.
My grandmother is like Wonder Woman and seems invincible but she can’t care for others as well as she used to and that’s why I take so much time out of my life to help her. I love her immensely and do whatever it takes to care for her and my grandfather. We may not always get along with each other but we are family and that’s all that counts.
I spent the better part of the next few months (January through April) caring for Mama and made a very much needed trip to South Carolina to visit with my brother CJ and his fiance Rachel. (Love you guys SOOO much!) We ended up staying longer than expected, caught up on some things we really needed to with each other and made a wedding happen within two weeks for friends who lived up there as well. It was marvelous and wonderful ad cathartic all at the same time. I miss my brother and new sister very much and wish our schedules were more suited to chatting with each other more often.
Joey and I were reasonably happy… As happy as any couple could be with only one of us having a job, then neither of us having a job, then him having a job and me going back and forth between my grandmothers and his house AND work every week.
The thing is… I wasn’t happy. I was frustrated and tired… And nothing was how it used to be. Our relationship had matured but it was different. It was cooling off instead of heating up. This did not make me happy and I know Joey seemed happy but he wouldn’t talk to me about how he felt.
I recently took things into perspective and evaluated the relationship. I wasn’t happy and things were not improving where they needed to be.
I did not have anymore of myself to put into a relationship that was more destructive than constructive. I felt like I was being dragged down rather than lifted up. I was losing myself and I felt helpless to stop it. I had lost my mojo, my gumption, and my get-up-and-go had left me in the dust long ago. I had lost my love for life and my appetite for… anything really.
I wasn’t myself and I hated that. I had lost who I was somewhere along the way and I was done. I’d had enough. It was time to regain myself and become me again.
Yes, it’s hard. Life is not an easy mistress to appease.
I have taken my life back into my own two hands. I am going to make the decisions I feel like need to be made to take back my happiness again. Just the other day I said to myself and to two friends who are very close to me…
“Today, I will be strong. I can be fragile tomorrow or some other day. But today… Today I will be strong.”