Lackluster Passion

In my life there are a great many things I am passionate about. I’ve listed a few of those things here.

1. My photography.

I may still be an amateur photographer and have a lifetime of learning to go but this simple hobby is my passion and I will never give it up.

2. Mi Familia: My Family

My family is a very wide and extensive amount of folks who mean the world to me. My mother, my grandmother, various aunts, uncles, and cousins; these are all blood kin and are who have my back in the end even if not in the beginning.

Family isn’t always flesh and blood kin to one another, they are Chosen Family. Oftentimes this type of family is the best kind and can take the place of blood kin on occasion. I can count on one hand how many people I have chosen as true family (a few people may be hurt by this statement but there are layers to every family, not just mine. Don’t get your panties in a twist.)

Christopher Campbell is the very best man I have ever known in my whole life and knows me and my heart better than anyone else in this world ever will. He calls me out on my sh*t and gives me the lecture(s) I need to get my butt in gear. He tells me, without malice, exactly how much I have messed up in any situation and then tells me EXACTLY how he feels. I don’t know if he realizes this or not but he’s saved me more than I can ever say. And in more than one way as well.

Recently I’ve made some decisions that aren’t ideal and are messy, muddy, might seem complicated, and are down right wrong at the low points and are stupid but the thing is… I made those decisions. I made these decisions and I have owned them. They have not owned me. I am finally beginning to be the adult I want to see in myself. Why? I lost myself and have recently begun to recapture who I used to be and have a better idea of who I want myself to become. Yes, I jacked up my decision process and made some bad calls, bad choices, and I realized what I was doing after my brother (Christopher) gave me the talking-to I desperately needed. Right now, he believes I have done the unthinkable and he’s right. I’ve messed up big time. I make no excuses for myself. I take responsibility for the outcome of my decisions with no regrets.

I have a track record of hurting people and running away when I think I’m losing myself. I know this. I’ve previously made decisions based on this but I am not the same person I was when I made those decisions. My mind was clouded. I’m not saying my mind isn’t clouded now, but I am better than the person I used to be. I am not making these current decisions based on fear, anxiety, or pride. I’m also not going to defend myself or my decisions anymore. People are going to think what they want despite what the truth may be. These decisions are my own and I will not allow others to influence or cloud my judgement any longer.

My brother CJ is angry with me right now and does not support me but he did put me in square back into my place and I appreciate him for that. I love him even though he more than likely hates me now. At least he cared enough to put me back where I needed to be mentally before he cut all ties with me. That’s more than I thought I deserved and I’ll never forgive myself for the damage I’ve done to our friendship over the course of our lives.

3.. Being True To Yourself

I’ll be honest here. I’m never completely open with anyone. I’m changing this, one conversation at a time. I’m doing this so that I’m not suppressing myself for anyone else’s happiness or comfort. I’m taking back what I lost.

4. Passion.

Yes, I am passionate about passion. A conundrum isn’t it?

Passion is the essential spice of life in my opinion. If you don’t feel passionate about something in your life, something is definitely wrong and needs to be changed.

I am doing what I think is right, after careful debate and that lecture I know I deserved. I don’t expect everyone or even anyone to accept what I have going on. I am going to find myself again, regain my passion for everything in life, and I will never let anyone or anything get in the way of that again.  I know not everyone will understand what I’m feeling or how I am going about changing things but let’s face it… Sh*t happens.

I will no longer apologize for myself, my thoughts, or my decisions.


About spartinlaws

I am a photographer, and I live my life the best way that I can: Happily.
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