I have been missing something and I am still unaware, er, unable to come to terms with it fully. I have been desperately trying to deal with my emotions as of late.
I don’t know how many of you know but I have always battled with depression, anxiety, and self worth problems.
Recently, I’ve had a big BIG change in my life, followed by another change, which resulted in a rather unexpected change.
Let me explain… And please bear with me and don’t send your judgements in my direction I have enough to deal with, I do NOT need negativity.
I spent 4+ years with my last partner, and it was a bumpy ride but it made us happy 85% of the time and not as happy the other 15%. I lived with that partner for about a year and we endured several ups and downs which seemed like more error than trial.
After a few months of co-habitating, things changed somehow and everything was different for us. We weren’t as happy as I believe we should have been or could have been. Even after things changed and turned out to be a little better, we weren’t the same.
I don’t know how to explain it.
We weren’t in a good place anymore. Correction: I wasn’t in a good place anymore. I had attempted to express my unhappiness more than once but it seemed like my words weren’t making it through to anyone, to the one person that really needed to hear them.
And eventually I decided that I needed a change, I needed and deserved to be happy.
I took my opportunity and made an executive decision which, looking back, I could have gone about it differently. I know now that if I had gone about it any differently then I would not have had the inner strength to do what needed to be done.
I have a soft spot for that person and for the person they were long ago. I have next to no will power of my own when that person is involved because I still love them very much and I’m hurt very deeply by the everything that has happened as of late. I’m still very much trying to process everything on my own but I’m also not pausing my life or myself in order to move forward and be happy, to become a happier person.
After I made this big decision and implemented it… I made another decision and moved forward with it, not looking for anything in particular to happen. And then something great happened and BAM, happiness happened.
A short while later more happiness happened.
And now I’m reminiscing about everything that happened before that decision was made and how I feel about myself in general.
I’m slightly overwhelmed and I’m panicking a little about how I feel about everything.
I admit that I miss things. I miss alot of things. And that makes me sad at times. I miss how things used to be. I miss how everything used to be when things were good between us. I just wish things had turned out differently for us. I wish things could have been better, and I wish that… I wish for so many things.
I’m happy. For the first time in a long while I am happy and things are progressing.
I wish I could figure out a way to put things into better perspective so I could write about them easier and in a way that others could understand more easily.
It’s way too soon for me to do that and I thought that I could. I cannot. I’m sorry.