Stream of consciousness tonight…

I know  I am not perfect. Never, have I ever, claimed to be so. I have never claimed that I have never made mistakes. Never have I said that I have no regrets.

I make, will make, have made, and will more than likely continue to make mistakes. Big ones, small ones, life-altering ones too.

I have always been told, and have learned it for myself, that mistakes are what make us human. And with that being said, I have made a few hundred thousand mistakes in my short, fun-filled 22 (almost 23) years of life. I’ve almost gotten married a few times, I’ve lost some very important family members and friends to medical problems, I’ve had a few hundred medical problems myself, and I’ve had a few relationships that taught me a lot about myself.

I’m still learning about myself as a person and someone very close to me pointed out to me not too long ago that I’m repeating a few of the same mistakes. I agree. But I’m not the same person I was when I made those mistakes the first time, or even the second time. The first time was given because I was very young and terrified. I had NO IDEA what I wanted from life but I knew at that point that I could not handle what was put in front of me and I ran. I was an idiot. I was an idiot but it taught me about myself and created a lasting bond.

Second time I was pushed away. I did not run from that one and I will never let anyone tell me otherwise. I know exactly what happened in that relationship and its not my fault, not totally. Again I was a bit young and was thinking a little too far ahead of what I thought was best for me at that time. I had a very solid five year and five year plus plan for myself and it was more than the other party could handle at that time. We have since become friendly with each other and no grudges have been held.

I learned early on in my life what I wanted, and about when I wanted it in my life. I had dreams and goals and an idea of how I could and would get there. I’ve thought that I have been steadily moving up toward that goal. Maybe yes, maybe no; I’m not so sure anymore but I’m not sitting still.

I want children, and marriage (traditional or not, I honestly don’t care) and a home to call my own, and my car to be safer for me to be in….

And most of all…. I want a big family. A giant network of people spread around the world (not literally) that love and communicate with each other all the time, everyday.

I want to be more… open. I want to hug more, to smile more, to laugh more, to SHARE more. I love making people happy. It is just something that I do. But it is past time that I think of myself. I want to be happy.

I recently made a crazy big decision and no one seems to really truly understand it. I take that back – a small handful of people in my network of love understand and encourage me. Support me, even. And for that I am grateful. I may not make the best decisions, or sometimes even the right ones, but I always do what my heart says I should (after careful deliberation) and I go with it. If it seems out of character, I want to apologize but I no longer feel the need to apologize for myself. Not anymore.

I know that I am foolish. No one has to tell me that. I know that I am stupid at times and that I make rash decisions too quickly sometimes. I do not care. I also know that I am not happy and I should be.

It has been too long since I have put my needs above others around me. I deserve to be selfish for a bit.

Can I not be selfish?

I don’t understand.

(Afterthought: I guess it’s just not enough.)